Wednesday Joke

[FB_Bama]

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said..You wear briefs, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you

She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?

She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

[wannabethere]

:)))))

(miss the smiley faces :( )

[CaptKen]

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23 rd , starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty




Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas
carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.


Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty





Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2008

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
confusion in the restrooms.. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2008

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!



Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23 rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[wannabethere]

:) :)

[FB_Bama]

:) :) :)