Thread: Joke Alert!

  1. #131
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    Three blondes were walking down the beach when one kicked an old bottle. She reached down, picked it up and pulled the cork out. Suddenly a genie appeared. He thanked the lady for setting him free and offered to grant each one a wish.

    Excitedly the 1st blond said: I want to be 2 times dumber than I already am.

    The genie looked amazed and ask her to repeat the wish so he could get it correct.

    Again she said she wanted to be 2 times dumber. Her wish was granted.

    Turning to the 2nd blond he ask her what she would like for her wish.

    The 2nd blond said she wanted to be 5 times dumber than she already was.

    The genie could not believe his ears and had her repeat the wish and it was granted.

    Turning to the 3rd blond the genie did not know what to expect.

    The 3rd blond said she wished to be 10 times dumber than she already was.

    Looking the 3rd blond straight in the eyes the genie said,

    "You know I'll have to turn you into a man."

    (The wife made me do it.)
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  2. #132
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    He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
    I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?


    He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart




    He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
    I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!




    He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
    I said to him ... . They don't have time.






    He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.






    He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
    I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.




    He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    I said to him. . .. A widow.




    He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
    I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed….Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.






    SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  3. #133
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    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  4. #134
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    THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

    On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and,
    with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic
    husband had settled down on the couch.

    When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
    her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

    In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've
    ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  5. #135
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    THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

    There was only one little thing bothering me.

    It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

    She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
    I always got more than a nice view.

    It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

    One day she called me and asked me to come over.
    "To check my sister's wedding invitations" she said.

    She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.
    She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

    Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
    She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
    "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

    I stood there for a moment...then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, "Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
    We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son."

    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car.
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  6. #136
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    !!

  7. #137
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    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

    He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

    The driver feels S O awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blond woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

    She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

    The blond says,” Don’t worry."

    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

    The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

    "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

    It says..


    (Are you ready for this?)

    (Are you sure?)

    (You know you're gonna be sorry)

    (Last chance)

    (OK, here it is)

    It says,

    "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

    Happy East ER!!
    -- "There are two ways to be rich: to have everything you want, and second, to be satisfied with what you have." Unkown.
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  8. #138
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    That's a classic, Mr. Frank. I haven't heard that one in years.
    Stay Thirsty....

  9. #139
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    A tough looking group of bikers were riding
    When they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,
    So they stopped.

    The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
    "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

    While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want
    To miss an opportunity either,
    So he asked... "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?"

    So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss.

    After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best
    Kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could
    Be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"


    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".
    The authorities think she may have been pushed.
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  10. #140
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    Subject: Oil Change Instructions for Women....

    Oil Change Instructions for Women:

    1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.



    2. Drink a cup of coffee.



    3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.







    Money spent:

    Oil Change:$24.00



    Coffee: Complementary



    TOTAL: $24.00



    Oil Change Instructions for Men:



    1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree and use your debit card for $50.00.



    2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.



    3. Open a beer and drink it.



    4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.



    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.



    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.



    7. Place drain pan under engine.



    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.



    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.



    10. Unscrew drain plug.



    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.



    12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.



    13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.



    14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.



    15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.



    16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.



    17. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.



    18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.



    19. Remember drain plug from step 11.



    20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.



    21. Drink beer.



    22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.



    23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.



    24. Crawl under truck, getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame, removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.



    25. Begin cussing fit.



    26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.



    27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.



    28. Beer.



    29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.



    30. Beer.



    31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.



    32. Beer.



    33. Lower truck from jack stands.



    34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.



    35. Beer.



    36. Test drive truck.



    37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.



    38. Truck gets impounded.



    39. Call loving wife; make bail.



    40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.





    Money spent:



    Parts: $50.00



    DUI: $2,500.00



    Impound fee: $75.00



    Bail: $1,500.00



    Beer: $20.00



    TOTAL: $4,145.00





    But you know the job was done right!



    SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...AND TO ANY MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT...
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

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