Thread: Joke Alert!

  1. #141
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    Is sex Work?

    A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
    staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
    colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
    that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
    get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just
    how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

    A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

    A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

    A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
    his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
    charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

    Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
    pleasure.

    The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

    "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
    doing it for them."

    The room fell silent.

    God Bless the enlisted man.
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  2. #142
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    Summary of Life
    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

    THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
    1) You believe in Santa Claus.
    2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
    3) You are Santa Claus.
    4) You look like Santa Claus.

    SUCCESS:
    At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
    At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
    At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
    At age 35 success is . . having money.
    At age 50 success is . . having money.
    At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license..
    At age 75 success is . having friends.
    At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

    Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
    Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  3. #143
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    Dumb questions by cruise passengers.

    1. Does the crew sleep on board?


    2. What time is the midnight buffet?


    3. Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?


    4. Do you generate your own electricity?


    5. Is this island totally surrounded by water?


    6. Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?


    7. What language do they speak in Alaska?


    8. What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?


    9. How high above sea level are we?


    10. How do we know which pictures are ours?
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  4. #144
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    Why Men Wear Earrings

    Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

    A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

    The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

    The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

    "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

    His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

    "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

    (I always wondered how this trend got started)
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  5. #145
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    HEALTH TIP:

    If you can't afford a doctor, go to the airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam and; if you mantion Al Qaeda you'll get a free colonoscopy
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  6. #146
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    Six Truths in Life

    1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same
    time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck .
    2. All idiots, after reading number 1 will try it.
    3. And discover number 1 is a lie.
    4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
    5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
    6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
    I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.
    You now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone
    else's face today.
    I only sent this to you because I have a hilarious mental picture of you doing
    this......enjoy
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  7. #147
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    This is cute!!!
    If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds.



    I can almost feel myself losing weight . . .. by forwarding this to you! You'll understand at the end.

    I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be .. . .. Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.




    Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

    In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

    Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around..

    Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.



    Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen, honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too..'


    Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

    Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone carrying teenager and think, 'For this I have stretch marks?'


    In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.



    Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

    Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

    But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!



    Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds...

    Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.

    If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's why I had to pass this on--I didn't want to risk deleting this..)
    Smooches!

    .



    Life is short, Break the rules,
    Forgive quickly, Love truly,
    Laugh uncontrollably..

    Never regret anything that made you smile!
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  8. #148
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    Two Michiganders are drinking in a bar.

    One says, "Did you know that ELKS have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

    "Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  9. #149
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    Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo” as if it were yesterday. Seems as though I know them all!
    They include:

    Bobby Darin ---
    Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

    Herman's Hermits ---
    Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

    Ringo Starr ---
    I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

    The Bee Gees -- -
    How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

    Roberta Flack---
    The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?
    ?

    Johnny Nash ---
    I Can't See Clearly Now.?

    Paul Simon---
    Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

    The Commodores ---
    Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom


    Procol Harem---
    A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

    Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

    The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone


    Abba---
    Denture Queen
    "You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?

    Tony Orlando ---
    Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

    Helen Reddy ---
    I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

    Leslie Gore---
    It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

    And Last but NOT least...

    Willie Nelson ---
    On the Commode Again
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

  10. #150
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    Two priests decided to go to Panama City Beach on vacation


    They were determined to make this a real vacation
    by not wearing anything that would identify them
    as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
    for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
    shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

    The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

    They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
    the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking
    straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.

    As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
    'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
    nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

    They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
    So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

    Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy
    the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

    One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

    'Yes, Father?
    '
    'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'


    She replied,


    'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.
    Looking for my lost shaker of salt.

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