A woman went to a pet shop &immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith"
Looking for my lost shaker of salt.
Hahahaha!!
Guy calls 911 tells the operator he thinks his wife is dead. Operator asks what leads him to think his wife is dead? He says that the sex is the same but the laundry's piling up.
"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." Ronald Reagan
There was a bit of confusion at Wal-Mart today. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my Congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and security alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my debit cards magnetic strip. I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
GOD HAS SUCH A SENSE OF HUMOR
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do.
She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said: "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
She looked at the hanger and said : "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought: "This is what you sent to help me?"
However , she was desperate. She was also very thankful!
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I ’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said: "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said : "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied: "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud:
"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!"
Is GOD Good or What!!!???
Nordakota Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota ( that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there ).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.
Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'
Let's Dance -- fun!
Truly a joy to watch! Put's a smile on your face! Get through the first 55 seconds and it get entertaining.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v...eature=related
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1. U can't count your hair
2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out
Put your tongue back in dummy.
10 Things I know about you...
1) U are reading this
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
9) U laugh at this because you are silly & everyone else does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
__._,_._
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks