Joke Alert!

[FB_Bama]

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS
TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING LETTERS.
(I MEAN, WHERE DO YOU START?):


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? < /span>

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My 40-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember, these people can vote!!

[FB_Bama]

Just read this in the local paper, online. Too funny.

http://www.newsherald.com/news/store...-shopping.html

[FB_Bama]

COWBOY TOMBSTONE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[FB_Bama]

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
------------------------------------------------------------

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
-------------------------------------------------------------

We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
--------------------------------------------------------------

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
-------------------------------------------------------------

A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party
------------------------------------------------------------

When blondes have more fun,do they know it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
-----------------------------------------------------------

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
--------------------------------------------------------------

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you
------------------------------------------------------------------

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
-----------------------------------------------------------

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
--------------------------------------------------------

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."
--------------------------------------------------------

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."
---------------------------------------------------------------

The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
-------------------------------------------------------

[FB_Bama]

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....


See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess



Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the
answer. This is so cool.....
REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN



No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....

Answer is below!




Answer:




In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the
end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same
word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.....



OR ARE YOU ONE OF THE SMART ONES?????

[FB_Bama]

Some old some new, still funny, and if your old enough you don't remember reading any of these before, they're all new.

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember… Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Now, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'



A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


And One more...! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.

[FB_Bama]

Tablecloth trick, very short, 14 seconds, but it tells it all!
Anyone who ever raised a son (or was one) will appreciate this.

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30018

[FB_Bama]

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then She made the earth round.....and laughed and laughed and
laughed...

[FB_Bama]

Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor living it
large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said:
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down"

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

[FB_Bama]

Best Ventriloquist EVER


Terry Fator won the America's Got Talent competition last year taking with him the1 $1M prize as well as a performance in Las Vegas. He is a ventriloquist and was sort of dismissed by Simon Cowell in the competition as a "One of those" until Fator started his performance and wowed everyone in the hall, including Cowell! Well, not only did he do his prize show in Las Vegas, he was also hired and given a 5-year contract by the Mirage in Vegas. Here is an act that he does in Las Vegas. I personally think he is the best ventriloquist in the world!!


http://www.youtube.com/v/qNJ02rxaNrsSubas