Good ones!!!
Good ones!!!
These proofreaders must be related to all our Politicians
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? You think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Really?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
Looking for my lost shaker of salt.
THIS IS SO WRONG....
A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots
him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.
There follows a tense minute of silence.
Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I tinka my wife caught a glimpse"
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we
will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do
you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he
notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did
the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course
I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president
of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Of The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
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Stand proud you noble swingers of club and losers of balls
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feels like a hybrid.
Keeping with the golf theme.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8u2IzU7l6bA
You must read this......
A proper decision by the courts...
for a change.
A FLORIDA COURT SETS
ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?
The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.
The Jews have
Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client
and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned..."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward!
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator(that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is greeted by Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,
it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league .
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bi*** this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Saturday.
On Sunday the preacher announced, "If you are a person with "Special Needs" and you want us to pray for you, please come up to the alter."
With that Leroy got in line. When his turn came up the preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.
"The preacher placed one hand over Leroy's ear and his other hand over Leroy's head, and he prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the congregation, with enthusiasm, soon joined in.
When the preacher finished praying, he removed his hands from Leroy's head and ear, stepped back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next Wednesday."
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